Michael Lohan and Spencer Pratt are just two douches who need to go away. So, why not a battle to the death between the two? Michael seems a little scrappy, like he might have had a fight or two in prison and could possibly hold his own. One tug to Spencer’s creepy flesh-colored beard would probably have The Hills douche screaming Mercy!

Okay, so here are the stories, and you decide who’s the bigger douche.

Michael Lohan: Before telling his actual FAMILY, Lohan reveals to the press that he has another kid. A kid that he had, from another woman, while he was married to Dina. And now he’s preaching Jesus to the world. Because that’s what gets him airtime.

Spencer Pratt: I’m pretty sure if you look up “Douchebag” in the dictionary, it will say “Noun. See Spencer Pratt.” Before he ever got famous, he sold the above photo of a drunk Mary-Kate Olsen to the press for $50,000. Recently, Mary-Kate was on Letterman and they explained their dislike for him and talked about how she used to go to high school with him. Rather than taking it in stride and being classy about it, Smug-face Pratt had this to say to Us Weekly in response: “I don’t really get why she’d use my name to get press for her little indie film that no one’s going to see. She should probably focus more on not getting dressed in the dark than on me … I know I’ve made it in Hollywood when a famous troll is talking about me on Letterman … I forgive her, though. She’s had to go through life as the less cute twin, which must be tough.”

So, tell us, who is the bigger douche?

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